The Nature of My Anxiety

Everyone is always asking for the same thing from life.

We go through the motions of school, work, careers to make money to one day be able to change our lives. We have the picture in our minds of what we want to create, yet no one around me is doing it.

I’ve seen and read how you should get up and go. Leave that behind and live the way you are supposed to. But I’m conflicted, and not because I don’t know how to start.

I’m conflicted by love.

There are so many people around me that I love and care for. Randomly getting calls for advice on how to act in a compromising situation, reading over the same thing again that was just worded differently because you need someone to read it, being that last strain of support you have on this side of the world.

I care about so many people, as our human nature compels us to. We are beings of community, derived on love and thriving on happiness. Yet, when I look around I fail to see that.

I see people failing to be there, I hear petty drama about people who fail to think for themselves. I recognize that I do the same, because it’s what is asked from our circumstances.

I try to talk to people about it, but they are in on it too. It appears to me that we have been conditioned to assimilate to letting life not be lived to the fullest. Which blows my mind.

Some of the people that I am closest to, that are able to think critically for themselves, even they will tell me the same thing.

You should finish school to be able to get a job. You need a way of getting money to support yourself. You have to think about the future that you want to have.

This idea of the future will not happen if we keep conforming to what other people are saying. Yet I’m still doing exactly what they want.

What does it take to be happy. How is life supposed to be lived.

Life has taught me a few things so far. First, something that makes you smile is something you should continue to do. Second, when you live for someone else’s dream, you will fail to live your own. Third, do whatever it takes to be happy.

So far it seems like I’m failing to follow my own lessons. But I’m not writing this as a diary entry about a rut in my life. Almost the opposite.

I’m questioning why it is that so many people have been tricked into the system and don’t know how to get out of it. And why that I can recognize this and not do anything about it, for myself or anyone around me.

I had a very profound shower thought today, and stay with me because it is kind of out of this world.

I realized that my higher consciousness looks down on my life, living through my eyes one moment at a time. This consciousness is what really knows all these secrets of how to live life, and it merely notices the decisions I decide to make. Now a conscious decision would be the one that my consciousness is present when I actually decide. Therefore, we have unconscious decisions that our body is making without our consciousness.

So I look at my life and question why I wouldn’t be making conscious decisions all the time if I had the ability to. But it is hard to be that present all the time, so we like to take breaks. We sleep to dream, we watch a movie to observe someone else’s life, we get lost in the rhythm of the music to forget about our worries. These moments are necessary to balance out our life, between the conscious and unconscious.

Our higher consciousness, the wise voice in the back of your head that comes around occasionally, would laugh at some of the decisions we make, if it has a sense of humor.

Think about the reasoning of why we do anything that we know is not good for us. We want the reward, whether it be through hard work or no work. Yet, we know.

Life is not supposed to be spent in a chair. Life should be experienced, and we constantly choose to listen to what someone else is telling us is best for us. This is when we need to know how to be selfish. If you live for what someone else is telling you, then you will never make yourself truly happy.


Yet, I find myself and my loved ones constantly stuck in someone else’s thought out plan. We seek advice from others, someone else. We ask questions and get answers, from someone else. We are unhappy and we blame, someone else.

I’m tired of witnessing it. My heart is hurting from it. I want to change this, but I fear I have no control.

This is the nature of my anxiety.


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Writing about my thoughts and experiences. Reading books and always learning something new in my spare time. Settling for less is not an option in my life. I'm going to experience the world.

3 thoughts on “The Nature of My Anxiety”

  1. To be fair , this is exactly what i’ve been tellling myself .. i keep asking myself life is so easy so simple with order in it .. what if life was not like a system … like evrything is the same .. exactly what you’ve been saying in this blog
    What if we inverse the roles and change everything but then i find it hard to apply in the real world ..

    Liked by 1 person

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